Men's Counseling

NorthPoint Men's Concerns counseling is designed to help men become more aware of issues; explore how these issues maybe impacting your life in a negative way. NorthPoint empowers you to choose the pace at which you want to go. You can expect your NorthPoint counselor to be a non-judgmental, safe and a supportive individual. He or she may ask you questions about your thoughts and feelings, which are designed to help guide you to exploring issues surrounding your concerns. NorthPoint counselors are invested in helping you to achieve the goals you would like. They can help provide you knowledge and tools that enable you to deal more effectively with your concerns.

Life is driven by our choices, whether business or personal. Often times, attitudes control behaviors and outcomes for men. Henry Ford once said, "If you think you can or you think you can't, you're right!" Attitudes make self-fulfilling prophecies.¹

Common Men Issues Include:

Anger
Anger is often times a challenge for many men. Truth is anger can be both healthy and unhealthy. If you are experiencing episodes of anger, seeking Professional counseling may help you learn and address the many reasons behind your anger i.e. what causes it and what you can do to make it work for you, not against you.

Commitment
If you are fighting "commitment phobia", you will identify with one or more of the most common fears men and women have about the commitment.

Fear of the unknown
New experiences and demands can be stressful. You don't know just what is round the corner, and you worry about this. You are more content to stick with status quo than to opt for an uncertain future. This fear is especially pronounced in those people who lack self-confidence and the fear can escalate when demands are made on us.

Fear of making a mistake
The decision not to decide is itself a decision, and frequently a mistake! This fear is common among men and women who have more choices they can pick from and the more the choices the greater the fear. You fear that you will regret the decision tomorrow, next week, or next month and so delay and drag out the process hoping that you won't make a mistake or fail.

Fear of losing family and friends
We all rely on the support of family and friends. You fear losing those people who do not approve of your decision (family, friends, children from previous marriage etc) because you have a strong need for the social approval of others. But this fear is not simply about not being able to handle their anger or rejection but fear of when things go wrong - and having them say "I told you so".

Fear of losing control
We all want to feel that we have choices and are in control. And part of the sense of control is in being able to control the timing of a relationship (when and how it'll happen). What usually happens is that everything is going on well, but once you feel that you are losing that control you freak out and back off.

Relational
Men often experience common dilemmas in their relationships with women. In relationships, men frequently overestimate their ability to sacrifice themselves for their partner, often trying very hard to please their women and accommodate them to make them happy and to keep the peace. These efforts may seem to go unrecognized or unappreciated, and they may experience confusing complaints from their partner in spite of their efforts. This pattern typically leads to a build-up of resentment and hurt, which the man may not even be aware of, except through his partner's persistent accusations, of which he may feel innocent. These feelings may take a disguised form, for example, forgetting, being late or unreliable, not following through on his word, tuning out, working late, becoming impotent or losing sexual desire, having an affair. Men can be helped with this issue in a number of ways.

Through psychotherapy men can learn to better recognize and identify what they need and feel, which may be foreign to them since boys usually grow up in this society trained to suppress or be ashamed of most feelings (other than anger). Once they become more self-aware, they can learn ways to be more direct, but non-combative, in expressing their opinions, even opposing ones. As men learn to express themselves more directly with words, versus actions, passive-aggressive expression of anger or resentment through actions, is no longer necessary. This change often leads men to feel stronger and more effective.

Also, therapy can teach men how to decipher the language of women, so that they can more easily understand why they get upset and how to more easily satisfy them without sacrificing themselves.

Mother issues
A mother influences a son's psycho-sexual development and determines to a great extent not only what he thinks about himself but also what he thinks about women in general. Having too close but damaging relationship with one's mother especially at the adolescence confusing period of one's life confuses an already confused adolescent. It can cause long term self esteem issues.

Trust
In a relationship, trust is something that's gained. Trust issues at the beginning of a relationship are normal since someone's guard still needs to be let down. This is a gradual process that can take several years. The only real trust issues that occur involve a loss of trust and previous relationship problems that lead to one partner not willingly trusting others.

Sometimes betrayal in a past relationship leaves the individual emotionally hurt and afraid of new relationships. Some individuals start to believe that they will always be mistreated or cheated on in a relationship, and they emotionally distance themselves from their new partners.

Sexual Addiction
The term "sexual addiction" is used to describe the behavior of a person who has an unusually intense sex drive or an obsession with sex. Sex and the thought of sex tend to dominate the sex addict's thinking, making it difficult to work or engage in healthy personal relationships. Sex addicts engage in distorted thinking, often rationalizing and justifying their behavior and blaming others for problems. They generally deny they have a problem and make excuses for their actions.

Sexual addiction also is associated with risk-taking. A person with a sex addiction engages in various forms of sexual activity, despite the potential for negative and/or dangerous consequences. In addition to damaging the addict's relationships and interfering with his or her work and social life, a sexual addiction also puts the person at risk for emotional and physical injury.

For some people, the sex addiction progresses to involve illegal activities, such as exhibitionism (exposing oneself in public), making obscene phone calls, or molestation. However, it should be noted that sex addicts do not necessarily become sex offenders.

Behaviors Associated With Sexual Addiction Include:

• Compulsive masturbation (self-stimulation)
• Fantasy sex
• Anonymous sex
• Pain exchange sex
• Exploitive sex
• Seductive role sex
• Trading sex
• Intrusive sex
• Multiple affairs (extra-marital affairs)
• Multiple or anonymous sexual partners and/or one-night stands
• Consistent use of pornography
• Unsafe sex
• Phone or computer sex (cybersex)
• Prostitution or use of prostitutes
• Exhibitionism
• Obsessive dating through personal ads
• Voyeurism (watching others) and/or stalking
• Sexual harassment
• Molestation/rape

Generally, a person with a sex addiction gains little satisfaction from the sexual activity and forms no emotional bond with his or her sex partners. In addition, the problem of sex addiction often leads to feelings of guilt and shame. A sex addict also feels a lack of control over the behavior, despite negative consequences (financial, health, social, and emotional).

How Is Sexual Addiction Treated?

• Most sex addicts live in denial of their addiction, and treating an addiction is dependent on the person accepting and admitting that he or she has a problem. In many cases, it takes a significant event -- such as the loss of a job, the break-up of a marriage, an arrest, or health crisis -- to force the addict to admit to his or her problem.
• Treatment of sexual addiction focuses on controlling the addictive behavior and helping the person develop a healthy sexuality. Treatment includes education about healthy sexuality, individual counseling, and marital and/or family therapy. Support groups and 12 step recovery programs for people with sexual addictions (like Sex Addicts Anonymous) also are available.
• Counseling for the partner of the sexual addict is also highly encouraged.¹

¹ Mark Dombeck, Ph.D