NorthPoint Boundaries counseling is designed to help individuals and couples learn how to say no or yes (being okay when others say no to you); Gain a strong sense of identity; Learn to respect yourself; Understand reciprocity in a relationship—you share responsibility and power; Know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else; Learn to share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship; Learn not to tolerate abuse or disrespect; Understand your own wants, needs and feelings as well as to learn how to communicate them clearly in your relationships. The overall goal is to help you become committed to and become responsible to your full potential.
All relationships have conflicts or disagreements at times. The difference between a happily relationship and an unhappy relationship frequently involves the ability to discuss and resolve their differences in a positive manner that respects the interests and needs of each other. Truth is many marriages today fail due to lack in communication skills and lack of healthy boundary making. Common unhealthy, damaging relationship communications usually include such interactions as:
- Hostility, or verbal or physical attacks on the other person
- Put-downs, name calling or other contempt for the partner
- Dragging old information or experiences into a current argument
- Withdrawal form a disagreement
- Escalating negativity in the relationship 1
Healthy Marriages Have Healthy Boundaries
Healthy marriages are characterized by healthy boundaries. A boundary is something that separates one thing from another. When two people are in an intimate relationship (like a marriage) we can think about that relationship as being bounded. The two relationship partners share secrets and experiences with one another that are not shared with other people as though there is a literal boundary or barrier that keeps these secrets and experiences within their mutual private domain.
The boundary around a healthy marriage is a flexible thing; it needs to be able to bend but it should never break. Although there may be strain that develops within a marriage, a healthy couple ultimately continues to act as a unit (or at least to act in concert with one another's desires) despite the best efforts of the world and others around them to pull them in different directions. For example, a healthy couple doesn't allow parents who are critical of their union to break that union in two, nor will they allow their child to play them against each other. A healthy couple will not break confidences or promises they have made with and to each other. Maintaining the boundary around the marriage means making the welfare of the marriage first priority, even in the face of other 'first priority' activities such as parenting.
At the same time that healthy married partners keep their marriage as their number one priority, they are also not enmeshed; not joined at the hip. Each partner participates in relationships outside the marriage (family, friends, employment, etc.) and allows themselves to be influenced by those other relationships. The healthy marriage boundary can stretch to accommodate this activity. However, if push comes to shove, healthy married partners close ranks and act as a unit independent of outsiders (In-laws and even children are considered outsiders in this context!).1
Healthy Marriage Partners Act Positively Towards Each Other
Marital satisfaction is affected by how frequently partners get into conflicts, but not by whether they get into conflicts at all. Marriages vary widely in terms of how much conflict the partners tolerate. Partners in a volatile marriage are highly expressive and willing to give and take a fairly large amount of conflict, whereas partners in a conflict-avoiding marriage, by definition, try to minimize clashes and downplay displays of emotionality. What distinguishes these two groups most starkly is the vigor with which partners attempt to change their partner's minds. The varying tolerances for displays of emotionality, expressive persuasions and outright conflicts observed across different marriages derive from the constituent partner's personalities and temperaments. These differences in willingness to bicker and fight appear to be normal variations in how partners communicate and are not particularly significant in themselves. It is only when bickering and fighting between spouses results in lasting contempt or hurt feelings that it suggests anything about the health of the relationship.
Boundary counseling can be a fast and effective way to learn truths about healthy boundary making. Creating healthy boundaries is a must for all healthy relationships to endure. We believe all relationships can benefit from having healthy boundaries.1